No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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