I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Randomize
