I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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