6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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