I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
