he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
