Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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