Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
