im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You pole danced in your parka.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
