Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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