Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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