Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
