CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
