I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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