i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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