Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
