Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
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