You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize