I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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