When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
