I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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