I haven't been this sober since birth.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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