I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
