i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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