1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
