I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
