Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
