It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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