your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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