Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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