cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
