there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
