I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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