I wish I could punch you in the face.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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