the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's rum buckets o'clock
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
