I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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