I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
