so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
