i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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