Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
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