I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
