finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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