explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize