This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I cut my penus on the lid.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
