a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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