I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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