glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
