she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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