I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Randomize
