i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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