On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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