After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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