Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
