i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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