if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
it glows. i had to have it.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
