I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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