Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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