Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
