Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Randomize
