so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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