I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
